With a drought gone on for so long, this flood is almost a bit too much. If it's secretly eroding something away that I'm not noticing, I'm going to be so pissed.

I mean, to be in the damaged good business for so long has you cautious. Guarded would be a better word. It's so hard to give and give again after repeated offenses against oneself.

And isn't it unfair to superficially judge with the past on your side? That's like, judging the future with a bruised mind.

It's hard not to let my mind win. But at the same time, I'm happy.

I'm happy to try. But it's going to be slow.

I'm a cheapskate, especially when it comes to my heart. But only because generosity has brought little to nothing in my way. Greed is a sin, but it is the only way to live life without having to bury a new corpse every day.

I'm a sinner. So be it.

Even now, with security and a chance for a new future.. the past sneaks up on me with delayed confessions and secrets. Men telling me they've loved me years too late. Men many miles away using that to numb their cowardice to fess up what doesn't even matter anymore.

In the end, so little of it matters. We pretend that it does. Less pain now, a little more later.

It's a side effect.